The aftermath of showing preference for one child over another due to certain likeable abilities or qualities in the favoured child by parents has been identified as one of the causes of sibling rivalry cases.

Sibling rivalry and its consequences date back to the beginning of creation, as witnessed between the first children born to our first human beings, Cain and Abel. Cain envied the favouritism displayed towards Abel by God, who presented an acceptable sacrifice. This prompted Cain to murder his brother.

Similarly, we read how Rebecca ignited conflict between her two sons, Esau and Jacob, by instigating Jacob, her favourite child, to hijack Esau’s blessings from their father, who also loved Esau.

Some parents develop certain favoritistic feelings towards a particular child, either consciously or unconsciously, due to some admired qualities or abilities identified in the said child.

This could be between two female children or two boys, as in the case of Jacob and Esau. This favoritism can cause low self-esteem for the disliked child, leading to social-withdrawal.

However, having a favorite child is a failure on the part of parents to realize individual differences between two children.

This attitude can break the smooth relationship between the child and the parents, and this category of children always find it difficult to open up to the parent or relate freely with them, due to the belief that they’re not cherished (the disfavored child).

Encounters with some individuals who are victims of parental bias show that they grow up to distance themselves from their parents and develop a kind of cruel and rivalrous attitude towards the favored sibling due to envy.

This issue has been identified as one of the reasons for sibling rivalry.

Sharing her experience, a 34-year-old mother of two, Mrs. Ololade Ayodele explained how she’s now struggling to relate freely with her mother due to her mother’s favoritism towards her younger sister.

This favoritism caused her to develop low self-esteem and withdrawal from her mother.

According to her: “When I was a teenager between 12 and 16 years old, my mother used to scold me for being lazy just because I didn’t like to hawk like my sister. She would narrate a Yoruba tale about a good child and a bad child. She would refer to me as ‘Omoti’ and my sister as ‘Omowunmi’.

‘ This attitude encouraged my younger sister to always engage in something just to outshine me and portray me badly. But my dad was not in support of that because he cherished my academic performance.

“My mom’s attitude made it difficult for me to freely relate with her like a daughter and mother, to the extent that I didn’t have the courage to inform her when I first experienced  menstruation. It was later that she discovered my hidden strengths and abilities when I was in SS3, and she stopped the bias.

“But it was already too late because I still find it difficult to be free, being a naturally quiet child. Now, she likes to spend holidays with me more than any other child to help take care of my babies. Still, I can’t sit down with her for 15 minutes to chat, even though I wish to.”

The level of cruelty that a favoured child can receive from their siblings can go as far as conspiracy to kill. This was evident in the case of Jacob in the Bible, who fueled envy among his other children against Joseph due to the special love he had for him.

He openly favored Joseph over his brothers, and in the end, his brothers decided to sell Joseph as a slave and deceive Jacob into thinking that Joseph, his favorite son, had been killed by a wild animal.

Addressing this parenting approach, the Director and Coordinator of the National Human Rights Commission in Southwest Nigeria, Dr. Lucas Koyejo, highlighted the detrimental effects of parental favoritism on children.

He emphasized that favoring one child over another can severely impact the less favored child’s psyche, leading to issues such as low self-esteem and strained familial relationships.

According to Dr. Koyejo, such behavior can negatively affect the emotional well-being of the child and their future interactions with others.

He stressed the importance of parents treating their children equitably, recognizing that each child has unique strengths and weaknesses. He noted that some children may require more support in certain areas, but this does not diminish their worth.

“Parents should avoid comparing their children or using these differences as a basis for favoritism, as doing so can lead to emotional abuse and long-term psychological harm,” says the Human Rights Lawyer.

To the affected people, Dr. Koyejo recommended therapy for both the child and the parent who is responsible.

He suggested that psychological therapy could help repair the emotional damage caused by such preferential treatment.

“Therapy would allow the mother to understand the impact of her actions on her child while also providing the child with the necessary tools to cope with their experiences”, he added.

Dr. Koyejo concluded by underscoring the need for professional intervention to mitigate the negative effects of favoritism, saying, “Through therapy, both the child and the parent can work towards healing and developing healthier, more supportive relationships.”

Also speaking, a 57-year-old mother and Senior Editor with The Nigerian Tribune, Mrs. Sade Oguntola affirmed that favouring one child over another can have really have detrimental effects on family dynamics, leading to long-term emotional consequences.

According to her, when parents show preference for one child, the neglected sibling often feels left out and undervalued, noting that the situation can foster feelings of resentment and bitterness, disrupting the harmony within the family.

“On the other hand, the favored child may grow up spoiled and entitled, believing they are superior to their siblings. Biblical narratives, such as the story of Jacob and Esau, highlight these consequences, illustrating how parental favoritism can lead to conflict and discord.

“In the case of Jacob and Esau, their mother’s preference for Jacob over Esau led to significant familial strife. Esau, feeling neglected, developed deep-seated resentment towards Jacob. This favoritism ultimately contributed to a lifetime of animosity between the brothers. If their mother had treated them more equally, the bitterness Esau felt might have been mitigated. This example underscores the importance of impartiality in parenting,” she said.

She advised parents to remain neutral whenever the children have any kind of misunderstanding, noting that avoiding favoritism can foster better communication and stronger relationships within the family.

“When parents refrain from taking sides, children are less likely to perceive bias and more likely to feel equally valued. This neutrality helps maintain open lines of communication, as children do not view their parents as partial or unfair. By staying neutral, parents can better support their children individuals’ needs and personalities, without causing unnecessary rivalry or resentment,” she added.

A child advocate and parenting coach in Akure, the Ondo State capital, Mrs. Mercy Roland described intentional parenting as key to mitigating sibling rivalry, noting that parents’ ability to recognize and accept the unique differences between children is crucial for fostering a harmonious home environment.

According to her, treating children identically, without acknowledging their individual traits, often leads to conflicts and feelings of neglect, resulting in one child losing confidence and feeling unaccepted.

Mercy Roland, who is the Executive Director of Mercyspeaks Initiatives for Empowerment and Development, urged parents to desist from replicating their own upbringing styles, which might not be suitable for today’s children, and should instead look towards guidance from holistic and adaptable principles.

She warned that relying on outdated parenting manuals can inadvertently foster sibling rivalry and favoritism, and encouraged parents to understand that each child possesses unique strengths and weaknesses that need individual attention and nurturing to build their confidence and sense of belonging within the family.

Considering the above submissions, embracing individual differences and avoiding favoritism could, indeed, lead to healthier and more harmonious family relationships.

Parents who recognize and celebrate each child’s unique qualities without comparison or preference create an environment where all children feel supported and appreciated.

This approach not only strengthens familial bonds but also helps each child develop a strong sense of self-worth and confidence.

For these reasons, it is crucial for parents to strive for fairness and neutrality in their interactions with their children.

Credit: Mary Agidi

First published in The Hope Newspapers edition of July 12th, 2024.